


I am the most manly

by owl_do_it_later



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: AU, Hide and Kaneki get wasted, Hide is desperate to be the most manly, I don't even care I just wanted drunk banter between these two, Kaneki has a hot bod, M/M, Post-Canon, Tequila, They're both desperate to be the most manly, Unbeta'd, What am I doing, extreme OOC, hopefully funny, shitposting maybe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-15
Updated: 2016-04-15
Packaged: 2018-06-02 09:44:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6561439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/owl_do_it_later/pseuds/owl_do_it_later
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU where Kaneki and Hide don't get screwed over in the Anteiku raid become roommates and then Hide convinces Kaneki to go out drinking with him.</p><p>They banter on the way home.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I am the most manly

**Author's Note:**

> Yo have fun it's so OOC it's not funny but I just wanted them to be swearing and drunk off their faces and laughing and somehow bein the most manly came into this.
> 
> No real need to appreciate feel free to hate but let's talk about it because i love banter

_“Kankee_ , I bet you can’t even beat me in a thumb war!” Hide’s face was bright red, eyes wide and watery in that drunken haze as a huge grin stained his face, running and constantly looking as if it would spill off the edge of his face. “Screw that SS-class bullshit, dude. You gotta fight, man to man.”  
  
Kaneki, being Kaneki, knew that his behaviour was completely uncharacteristic. In fact, he blamed it all on Hide. Hide had talked him into going to a bar for some _godforsaken_ reason, and then whilst they were there Hide talked him into having tequila shots too because apparently there was no meaning to taking them alone. Kaneki, who had planned to stay sober, gave in when Hide asked – because of course he would – and the alcohol must have instantly got to his head because he became convinced that he could out-drink Hide.  
  
On the plus side, he felt great. Great in a really, really bad way that you get when you’re drunk. Essentially, you feel like shit but soft and watery around the edges, so the fact that you feel like you could throw up just sort of dribbles away and you keep talking and talking and you feel the need to let your partner _know_ that you are drunk and so everything about you is _important_ and he is _beautiful_ but _damn_ he will beat this guy in drinking, and in thumb wars, and in being a _man_ because he is challenged and so drunk he doesn’t really care that he’s completely wasted at all. Actually, he loves being wasted. His fancy shoes hurt but he cant feel anything past his knees anyway, and his fancy clothes that Hide got him to wear because his boyfriend has _exemplary_ taste felt stiff and awkward, and now he feels like a superhero; he may be dressed nice, but under this wasted pile of talkative white-haired ghoul hunk mass stuff is really an introverted mentally unstable very gay kid, and his superpower is being that. But you wouldn’t know, because he was so good at hiding it by being so fashionably _drunk_.  
  
He thinks he beat Hide.  
  
“You dare challenge me, the star of the play?” Kaneki drawled, leaning into him. They’d thrown their arms over each other’s shoulders in an attempt to stay upright, and in consequence their entire unit swayed dangerously as they walked along the sidewalk at some religiously ungodly hour of the morning.  
  
“Man to man!” Hide scowled with determination, holding out his thumb. Kaneki locked hands with him and they stopped in the middle of the night, holding hands and leaning on each other whilst they stared _so fucking deep_ into each other’s eyes in order to _win_.  
  
Because Kaneki Ken was a _winner_ , now. That was his other superpower.  
  
“I am the most manliest!” Hide announced, attacking with his opposable digit. Kaneki tried to pull away, but Hide held firm. Their thumbs brushed but Kaneki was safe from Hide’s grasp. “You didn’t do the count-in!” Kaneki shrieked, panicking. “This is an unfair war! I demand legislation and laws so that I can incriminate you for losing at an advantage!”  
  
“And I need a dictionary to understand this man-child, your honour!”  
  
The two snickered at each other as they grappled over trying to pin the other’s thumb. Neither was really sure how long it went on, except that finally as they fought their heads slammed together and they broke apart, wincing and pressing clammy, drunken palms to their heads.  
  
Hide gasped in utter horror, pointing viciously as he stumbled away. “Cheater! I’ve never been so insulted!”  
  
Similarly, Kaneki did the same thing. “Oh no, a poor loser! Help, I’ll get germs!”  
  
Hide gasped again, and now Kaneki couldn't tell if it was horror or if it was in jest. However he was so off his head he thought that Hide would never joke in such a serious situation. “Look at this _duuuuude_! I would never cheat at such an honourable sport!”  
  
For whatever reason, Kaneki suddenly started laughing. It came out first as a few hiccups, before it dissolved and he was on the ground, laughing so hard he couldn’t breathe and he had no idea why, and it felt fucking amazing.  
  
“I am—I am—I am—“ Kaneki’s words disappeared in laugher, as Hide slumped against the wall beside him, gripping the front of his shirt and heaving with laughter. Tears streamed down both of their faces.  
  
Then Kaneki rolled over and threw up into the gutter, which was even funnier. He was laughing on his own vomit, unable to stop. This only spurred on their incoherence.  
  
Kaneki dragged himself to his feet, finding Hide’s shoulder again and throwing an arm over it as they continued their swaying to the apartment.  
  
“I bet you,” Hide wheezed, “a month’s worth of breakfast in bed that you can’t do the kagune thing right now.”  
  
“That’s—” Whatever Kaneki had planned on saying was wheezed away as he doubled over with laughter. Beside him, Hide threw his head back. A pair of swaying, wasted and laughing young men on ghoul-littered streets making as much noise as possible, it seemed, and they were betting each other breakfasts. Despite one of them being a ghoul.  
  
It was amazing. Kaneki could still taste the bile on his tongue; it tasted like alcohol and blood. Normally, he would have gagged again, but that night it seemed hilarious. Everything was hilarious.  
  
The ghoul that jumped out of the alleyway they passed and grabbed Hide in an attempt to drag him away and kill him? That was hilarious. It was so hilarious Kaneki grabbed him by the neck and slammed him into the wall so hard it cracked the concrete, before doubling over and laughing. Hide slapped his back as they continued their way down.  
  
That ghoul they passed that tried to stab them? That was _fucking_ hilarious. Kaneki didn’t really know why, but the ghoul ran away squealing.  
  
“You see, Hide? I _am_ the most manly!”  
  
“You wish, bitch boy. When we get home, I’m gonna show you. I’ll marathon the entire _Paranormal Activity_ series in one go and not even get scared because I am _so manly_.”  
  
“Then I’ll go and . . . and . . .” Kaneki struggled to find a challenge. No, he could not admit defeat! His pride had to be protected!  
  
“ _Shame you don’t have any of those sweet muscles to prove it, Hide._ ” Kaneki whispered into his ear, bursting into laughter at the end as he whipped his head back. Hide scowled, sensing his defeat was near.  
  
Their apartment was another two blocks away. Hide had only a small frame of time to have a comeback before Kaneki would win. Surely, Kaneki thought, even Hide’s quick wit would not save him from the face of the victor.  
  
Then he pressed a hand to his face to stifle his snickers as he turned to Kaneki, raising his eyebrows. “Psh—Pwha—at least I—at least I can hold my drink, boy!”  
The tequila shots. Hide thought he had won.  
  
“You wish,” Kaneki leaned into Hide’s face, mounting the steps to their apartment and gripping the rail with his free hand. “How many did you have? Eight? Nine?”  
  
“ _Eleven_ ,” Hide smirked. “My ancestors were European! We _invented_ the drink!”  
  
_Eleven?_ How many had Kaneki had? Ten? No, he’d had five by the time that guy tried to hit on Hide, he knew it. Their eighth one was when the bartender threatened to throw them out, the tenth was when Hide ran out of money and Kaneki had to pay for the next . . . two?  
  
Why had they left the bar again? Oh yeah, because Kaneki had smashed the shot glass in anger when he ran out of money and it ended in a tie. The eleventh shot.  
  
“Hide,” Kaneki said, dead serious. They’d stopped in in front of their front door.  
  
“What?”  
  
“We had a tie.”  
  
“You wish—” but then it all came back to Hide. “Oh.”  
  
They fell into a stunned silence. No one had won? They were equally as manly as each other?  
  
Stunned, Hide pulled out the key and let them in. Their movements were slow and clumsy, absent of the good humour they’d had before then. They removed their shoes, shrugged off their outer layers (Kaneki decided that because his jacket had his own gut fluids on it, it could stay on the floor, because that was where dirty clothes belonged now.)  
  
Then, suddenly, Hide switched on the light and slammed down the keys on the kitchen bench. Kaneki jumped.  
  
“But I had that beer before the shot!” Hide screamed, face alight. “I win! I win! I _WIN_!”  
  
Kaneki stared for a long second. Then, completely blank, he hoisted up the front of his shirt.  
  
Hide cried into the table until he passed out. Kaneki tried to walk towards him to gloat but ended up falling and face-planting onto the ground, where he decided he would stay.  
  
They had great hangovers.

**Author's Note:**

> Yooooo hope you enjoyed that!  
> If you enjoyed it - yay! I'm so glad! Thanks for reading!  
> If you kinda liked it but were super put off by the OOC or the content or something I did - thanks for reading anyway!  
> if you didn't really like it - thanks!  
> If you hated it - Thank you very much, and come at me with the hate I am THE MOST MANLY AND SEEK IRRATIONAL CONFLICT
> 
> see youse


End file.
